I could make wine with my vomit
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
