i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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