i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
