She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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