Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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