theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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