My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
