When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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