Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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