Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
