you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
