everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
