Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
