I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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