Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
