totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
