he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
