Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
