I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
