i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
