Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
