Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
My legs feel like baby dolphins
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
