Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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