I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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