Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
