Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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