What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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