How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
