do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
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