i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
