i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize