remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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