I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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