If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
