I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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