What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
