I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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