Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize