Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
