yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Randomize
