The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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