Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
