you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
