Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize