Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
