Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
His hands were made for my vagina.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
