I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
