I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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