Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
i think im in europe. pls send help
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
