what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
