before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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