i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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