we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
