how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
