Your dad touched me again.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
