Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
