that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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