do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize