I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize