my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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