this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Randomize
