I think I died a long time ago.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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