he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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