Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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