What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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