My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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