Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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