Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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