when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
my being single is dangerous.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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